One Soul (An orginal story)

Here read this new version of my story:

The one thing that people always told to me when I stared out the window frightened of the storm that brewed was that lightning during storms would not change anything in my life and could not hurt a soul. They didn’t realize that what they told me back then ended up to be totally wrong. My mother used to tell me several stories about those storms such as God bowled and the lightning represented the strikes he got. She was right about one thing, the heavens were involved.
It all started on a dark day back in October when the rain began to pour. I sat in the forest behind my home trying to read when I felt that first drop hit my hand. I didn’t realize at that time what the next few hours would be like for me as I quickly closed up the book I had been trying to read stuffing it into my messenger bag before pushing myself onto my feet. I ran hearing the thunder from a strike in the distant field shaking the limbs above me threatening to break them. I heard a voice in the woods around me before I saw that strike. I remember running toward that voice not knowing where I would be heading or that it would change my outlook on storms.
I came upon a field hearing, "Patter, pitter patter," from the rain hitting the petals on the flowers around me. The sound of clashing metal soon drowned out that gentle sound of rain drops. I looked up toward the new sound seeing the two tormented souls locked in an eternal battle over the souls of the dead. The two of them shared many a name but they can only be described by the names of The Angel of Death and The Reaper of Souls.
One fought for another chance at going into heaven by collecting the souls of the innocent while the other was created by the flames of hell to collect the dark souls. They fought for one reason, for the souls that lay on the line between innocence and darkness. The soul they fought for that night was a child's, a child of a troubled past yet you could see their innocence hidden behind the darkness. The clashing of metal caused the flash of lightning that ran up toward the sky above. They didn't notice me as they fought for the glowing soul that floated above the child. One fatal slash would end this battle but both sides knew not who would land that fable slash.
I watched the battle rage on with a mixture of light and darkness pitted against each other, but who was who. They both wore cloths from ancient times that were pieced together from those better times that none remember now. One wore a crown of an ancient civilization that had long since been forgotten or just simply gone though no one knows what happened to that civilization still. The other wore a crown of vines with red berries as jewels and robes of silk that vaguely represented statues I saw in museums of art and history. They both looked like they could step into the other’s shoes and do quite well. Who was who in this battle for a soul?
The Angel of Death and the Reaper of Souls ran toward each other their swords clashing together again this time the blast rang out shaking the very Earth itself sending me to my knees. One of these tormented souls broke through the others sword landing that final blow sending them back to heaven or hell. The winner closed their eyes turning their sword into glowing symbol that absorbed the child’s soul sending it on to the next life. Where would it end up in the end only time will tell. When the soul was absorbed another flash of light was sent up toward the sky above and I could feel the very Earth trembling again under my feet. When the winner took their leave I ran in the dying rain toward the child’s body. I saw a small smile on the child's face. Did the soul end up where it wanted to go or was that smile simply an acceptance of their fate?
A single battle that night for one soul represented the battle of heaven and hell that has raged since the dawn of time. That battle haunts my dreams to this day and whenever I see a lightning strike now I remember one single soul could be cause of what I see. Others may not believe me when I tell my tale of The Angel of Death and the Reaper of Souls, but it was more real than I could ever imagine.

is that all of it?
i like it so far

I am going to add a couple more paragraphs. I am still working on it for that writing contest at school.

I just added a new revised version with 2 extra paragraphs.

evefarrel wrote:

I just added a new revised version with 2 extra paragraphs.

yeah, it got a bit better!

Only a bit?

evefarrel wrote:

Only a bit?

welp, grammar and stuffs, you know?

Well Brad is going to proof read it for me like he did the last version.

evefarrel wrote:

Well Brad is going to proof read it for me like he did the last version.

good, then. that'll make it better. is this for teh school-wide competition?

i think i might want to enter something but i don't know what it would be.

Yeah it is *nods* I think I might still need to add something, don't know what though. It is only 798 words right now.

evefarrel wrote:

Yeah it is *nods* I think I might still need to add something, don't know what though. It is only 798 words right now.

yeah, and there's a word limit.

what direction do you want to go in for this thing?

I don't know, I think I have wrote it as best I could without revealing to much about the Angel of Death and Reaper of Souls, I want them to remain slightly mysterious.

Also the word limit is only not to exceed 2000 words.

evefarrel wrote:

I don't know, I think I have wrote it as best I could without revealing to much about the Angel of Death and Reaper of Souls, I want them to remain slightly mysterious.

Also the word limit is only not to exceed 2000 words.

oh then...

hmmm mysterious death beings.....cool

So do you think I should just turn it in after Brad proof reads it for me?

Well I got word today that I didn't place at all again T_T

Don't feel bad none of my pieces placed either.

Yeah but I was sure I would win...

It is a really good story, and I like the description a lot, but as I was reading it it seemed like you changed voices a lot, from a detached descriptive standpoint, to a present and scared character, to an unconcerned narrator. The style of the writing changed a lot and without warning. Idk how better to describe it, but perhaps you might want to read your story again and look for those little fluctuations in tone.

it was a good story. Thats all i have to say.

^_^" I critique a lot...sorryz.

dont be sorry.